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03:45 pm: live journal is lame

11:07 am:

11:07 am:

02:10 pm: hey cj i got your post.... do you live in jville nemore oh and ya i remember you...gimme a call sumtime....9045040078

09:06 pm:

i want some beans

XTC

MDMA

does anyone know where to find the goods?

09:29 pm: pain equals weight loss

09:52 pm: im free

02:46 pm: rite now im dying my hair pink
in a few hours me jerry and sam are going to the beach
tonite we will hookah perhaps and get down at sum nite club
oh how these weekends have been so wonderful
yet something tugs on my shoulder while my hand is being taken
and led to a good time where i can forget all my worries
and love and smile and laugh about life

04:32 pm:

this weekend should be another great one
blondes do have more fun
i bought satin sheets 
in bubble gum pink
yay
and i bought more bleach for my hair
and  a really cute coat for the fall
i love dresses
im in  a good mood for 5 am

03:31 pm: oooooooooooooooooooooooohhhh
boi
either i got myself into something good
or i made a foolish girly mistake
i had a spectacular weekend none the less
but damn am i impatient
i need a phone call or something
im losing my mind
hopefully in a good way

04:02 pm: this shit is funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYnn51C3X_w

01:07 pm: every day he stomp stomp stomps on it
he tears me apart
and he hangs up the phone

11:43 am: i miss my maxi max
i miss sleeping next to him
hearing him breathing
with his arms wrapped around me 
and his lips kissing my neck while we sleep
*sigh*
but i did have fun last nite w/ lauren
oh and heres me w/ blonde hair
and drawn on eyebrows
hah

03:31 pm: im going to find out
if blondes have more fun

09:27 pm: nobody will love me unless i give myself to them
nobody will understand what im going through they will only assume
nobody will approach me unless i lose 15 pounds
and nobody will be there when im in need of a friend
its really horrible 
b/c tonite i wanted to go out
infact over the past couple months i have wanted to go out
but there is one problem
maybe two but im addressing this one that i have
and that is that i have nobody
but people have me
i would do anything for someone 
to have just a night to remember
but when i want something special
i get let down
and all i have is the x's
and then they spit on me
one minute they say im beautiful
the next they shit on me
and what option do i really have
when there is nothing to fall back on
b/c its either put up w/ the garbage
or hide away in my dreams
i work so fucking hard for nothing
and i overwork myself
maybe so i dont have this time to sit and think
how lonely i have been
and how unhappy it has made me 
since that nite
the image 
i cant get it out of my head
it dwindles in my mind
while i go through out my day
the needles 
the bed 
them lying there 
or is it laying there
the lies 
driving her home
i dont know what to believe 
or what to believe in
i cant fall in love again
but i can live tomorrow
what good is tomorrow
if the love is so misused
and almost meaningless
he knows this 
he knows that he is all i have
and hes destroyed me
i dont even know who i am
but he loves me
and i do love him
so he kills me
and i let him
then i try to make things better
till i think about what has happened
and what is going on

07:44 pm: last night after the dark came i think i saw a rainbow when i was driving over the bridge

although i know he loves me

my heart is far too broken

my eyes are way to swollen

and my head is such a mess

although hes trying to fix things

i know i cant just stand still

while people racing pass me

to reach the finish line

i want to have a baby

someone to take care of me

one to love me

to marry him

09:00 pm: i need to get
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccked up

03:32 pm:

im so tired of calling him

100 times a day

and getting his answering machine

or a click on the other line

this is telling me something

this is telling me the truth

this is telling me who i really am to him

haha what funny comments he makes to me

and what funny names he has called me

im sure you would laugh

if you knew what i meant

09:53 am: this weekend was
self destructing, unfulfilling, confusing, confidence diminishing, and out of place
i feel a depression coming on
mind games, mind races, and mind traffic
losing and lost touch w/ people
not comfortable w/ who people have become
wondering what/who ive become
i just need to reach my finish line
and that is to become something
and if somebody wants to accompany me
and satisfy me the way i need 
then it will happen 
but rite now i am alone
i only have the memories of our past
oh how i wish i could relive them
again and again

11:47 am: LOVE WILL TEAR US APART
put that song in your ear
if its happened to you
it will tear you appart
and if its happened 
more than once
over and over
w/ the same person
it will kill you inside
but you will be ok
b/c there is beauty w/ in all decay